Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees