Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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Do not steal food from the science building!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!