Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
me and the Superbowl rn
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.