Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me