@JasonNotEvil Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
@ch000ch wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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@JasonNotEvil @ch000ch do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
@MarieLoerzel Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
@CulturedRuffian I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
@myonlymizztake Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
@VerbsRProudest How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
@aaronrand Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
@Robski_Boy Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
@Try2StopME *Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
@Gowitty1 Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.