@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

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@imence2

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

@noog

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

@ristolable

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

@masiragz

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

@TrophyCatas

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

@yung__spider

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.