@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

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@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@ch000ch

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

@MarieLoerzel

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

@Robski_Boy

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

@Try2StopME

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.