wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Well, that didn’t work.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??