Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.