wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..