Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.