which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you