A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I am patiently waiting for your email
What a year we’ve had this week.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
guys i’ve cracked the code
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore