Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Oh no
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.