When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.