When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Deliberately changed my insta algorithm as I was seeing too much ‘BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF’ stuff and began to hate the world… now ALL I am seeing in extreme parkour and am typing this with one hand whilst dangling off the Eiffel Tower.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house