I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better