me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.