Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
You Might Also Like
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.