I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.