mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”