I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
When you don’t understand how floors work
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN