Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”