Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
You Might Also Like
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
A man of commitment.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Ha.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.