Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color