America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”