Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly