I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“i am a sweet baby”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…