Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.