[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“A little help here, Danny?”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming