Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV