the chicken was already gone when I got here
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that