Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.