[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The Friday File.
kids play hide and seek like
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Never ghost your hitman.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]