me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Cats are still liquid.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?