[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.