[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
FRED: right
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.