My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..