“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty