@oh_porter

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

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@Grrdno

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

@IHideFromMyKids

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

@ChrisCamarra

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

@jonnysun

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

@simoncholland

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

@minkpinkustink

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

@13spencer

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

@ColoradoUgly

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@DrunjAF

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@pixelatedboat

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.