I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.