I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You Might Also Like
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
all bases covered
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.