*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys