@Mom_Overboard

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

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@smithsara79

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

@Midgetspar

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@coolbutgood

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

@iwearaonesie

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

@TheHyyyype

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.