Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Mountain Goat : )
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence