i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
You Might Also Like
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
🌱🌱🌱
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I miss this era type of pranks😭