i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me and my fake scenarios
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.