“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
sistine chapel
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??