23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”