@HomeProbably My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
@Robert_Beau Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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@HomeProbably 
@Midgetspar You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
@OyVeyLady “You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
@CynicalTherapi1 People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
@sweetmomissa Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
@gvicks They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
@JessObsess ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
@hamersauce [slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
@CornOnTheGoblin me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
@Swishergirl24 Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.