@Robert_Beau

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

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@HomeProbably

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

@Midgetspar

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

@CynicalTherapi1

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

@sweetmomissa

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@hamersauce

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.