My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.