The Friday File.
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid