Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[eulogy]
line?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall