If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
2022 be like
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship