If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.