If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no