Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.