“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent