Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Not😆🤣
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!