You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours