It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.