I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is